Declarations of Independence...…..and why lots ofmen are wrong dy is unlovable, unlike a 25-year-d’s
The French novelist Yann Moix started a row this week by claiming that a 50 year old woman's body is unlovable , unlike that of a 25 year old. I just read a riposte by Zoe Williams in The Guardian, where she asserts that the attraction of younger women is not their bodies but their admiration. She also points out, quite fairly, that Monsieur Moix is no oil painting himself and also the wrong side of that cut off point for us girlies. Who cares what he thinks?
I felt inspired by both to have my own say, because I am resolutely single (not that I have to fight anyone off , actually) and never felt happier in my own skin, as well as giving that cut off point another decade and a little bit which is plenty of time to add to my observations on human nature and relationships.
I started all this in my head, sitting outside a bar in the sunshine taking as long as I wanted over a coffee and a tostada con tomates (irrelevant detail) - conscious of the wonderful nature of being able to do whatever I want - in principle - answerable to no-one, and totally able to come home, abandon previous plans to turn out the garage and confront my overstock situation, and instead sit at my laptop scribbling electronically - because I can.
So which to address first, the reasons for determined singledom, or what's wrong with men?? OK, let's deal with M. Moix first and foremost. He represents a certain number of men for sure, of which women of a certain age are potentially insulted, angered, intimidated or demoralised. And that annoys me; how dare they? Why should we care what they think? And if we do, how do we learn to reject their judgment (other than the love of the very unusual available and willing eligible man of course, proof that all men are NOT wrong).
A brief foray into the world of internet dating of a less than determined fashion, more of an experiment and observation, some years back revealed to me the extent of the problem. Lots of people out there who don't want to be single, or feel left out being single; plenty of both sexes of a certain age. I looked at the range of men "available" using fairly generous search terms including age range, but quickly discovered that many were quite specific about wanting a younger model and no pun intended, one which resembled a model (or an Olympic sportsperson) and that this often did not correlate with their own superficial attractiveness and age (or the possibility of using an old photo or indeed someone else's). Another category showed themselves to be eager to get physical asap and intent on progressing speedily to a settled situation. Certain that all you were waiting for was to be seduced on a rug in front of their open log fire, please apply here......seriously?
These constituted a large proportion of the available men. Their requirements limited by geography (must live nearby to be seen constantly), availability (must be free to accompany him on a round the world trip immediately), active hobbies (must be capable of Olympic standard sports and spend every spare waking moment cycling, running etc) and LOOKS/AGE (20 years younger please or don't bother, and must look GORGEOUS/FIT/BOTH. You egocentric w*nkers). Search again, using a slightly older group and the same remained largely true. So a woman in her mid fifties had to be looking at profiles of men in their mid seventies before she found any quantity of men looking for someone like HER (this got rid of the runners/swimmers and cyclists in most cases but not the ones who have time on their hands whereas SHE is probably still working).
This struck me at the time as rather conceited not to say unrealistic but depending on what those men had to offer by way of security and money, quite possibly successful in attracting some of those sporty younger model types who were, dare I say it, less picky than us oldies. A total and frequent mismatch of expectations from both sexes when compared to same age group/other sex, with realism firmly on the side of more women than men.
At that point I'm agreeing that there are lots of M Moix's out there, and with some of Zoe's argument because admiration, adoration, respect, a desire for a father figure, or even a sugar daddy may well outweigh the possibility of genuine love across a generation divide. A trophy wife or girlfriend in exchange for protection and security perhaps. Equally as shallow as the men going after 25 year olds? possibly, and maybe immaterial whether it is looks or admiration which motivates the men. Or the women for that matter. It's down to both sides that this unrealistic scenario persists leaving 50 somethings sidelined (except by 70 somethings of course). The spin off from the original statement about preferences is the status of those discarded 50 something and plus women. I perceived from my observations of the internet dating candidates (and this was drawn from one site where there was also the possibility of just making friends rather than dating so it wasn't even that purposeful all the time) that a whole generation of women were being sidelined in perhaps the majority of potential relationships and would therefore be condemned to remain single due to the unavailability of suitable men. Not good for those who want a relationship. But potentially a trial period introduction to the freedom that being single can offer...……..and to reject the standards being imposed by (some) men. Better to have no relationship than an unsatisfactory one.? A good chance to test the theory, if no-one out there wants what YOU'RE offering. It really is them, not you...….
The shift from being "left on the shelf", the reject, the un-lovable (how dare he?) to independent woman living her life freely and realising her potential at last may be slow, or never happen, or not be appropriate. Some people are lucky and find those elusive truly eligible men, some settle for second best by compromising, and some discover the freedom of never having to ask whether they look ok, if they are still loved, if they can go somewhere, buy something or do whatever they want to. Many have spent years as dutiful daughters, wives, partners and mothers trying to please other people and why shouldn't it be their time to please themselves at last, if nobody else is going to bother to enhance their wellbeing and care for them? It's this which releases us, gives us the chance to be who we truly are, not just to make the best of being unwillingly single but genuinely makes us embrace it, enjoy it and reach our potential without our value being endorsed by a relationship and in particular the approval or permission of a man. And it may come as a surprise, if you've spent your life thinking being one of a couple is ideal - I did, and when it doesn't work out and I finally stopped looking to try again, I feel free at last to be me, to value my friends and family without judgment, permission, approval and as it turns out, to have precisely as many books and cats as come my way. I'm very happy that so many of my friends are men and always have been. I know there are good men out there but I've stopped wishing for one to come home and make it all better, because you know what, it's ok if one never does, and should anyone try, I'll certainly give it some consideration.
Those mad cat ladies out there are not filling their lives with cats as a substitute for a man or a family, they are exercising their freedom to be led by their hearts and compassion without fear or needing permission. They can fill their time and their lives with cats, dogs, charity work, knitting or sit and read books, for instance, because they can. These are not substitutes for a relationship. And the best thing of all is not just living without the restraints of someone else's demands but rejecting a false value and need for endorsement which would never ever be forthcoming from men like Yann Moix (because we are too old and unlovely) - and who wants a man like that? - we can't compete with 25 year olds, sporty or beautiful or otherwise, but do we want to? Giving media attention to his views leaves aside the question of what those "unlovely" women over 50 actually want, and such men may be surprised to know that actually we don't want them and their superficiality anyway, it's their loss. Mutual affection, a sense of humour and respect are what works best and in its absence, a fulfilled single life without a "significant other" is entirely preferable and much more fulfilling.
With young couples, I think in many cases men think that their women won't change but they do, and women expect their men to change but they don't, and this is why so many early relationships break down in time. We older ladies know we can't compete with 25 year olds and models if that's what men want, but those men are the losers for failing to realise what they are missing. I've already theorised elsewhere that staying together with a shared past and mutual tolerance for each other's growing imperfections is the only way for a long term relationship of value as people age together. Shared memories are also important, it's very hard to reminisce in any meaningful way about times when a younger partner wasn't even born or was still in infant school. How much better to have friends to do this with and fully appreciate them for being part of your shared past, formative years and experiences. The person you are now is the product of that journey and such a shame some men got off the bus at the wrong stop and far too early whilst condemning less confident women to stay on alone til the terminus.
Allan Moix and your like, you are short-sighted chauvinists with no right to say derogatory and potentially hurtful things about older women, and whether motivated by lust, or the need for other ego-massaging, you are wrong. Women over 50, reject that stereotype and hold men like that in contempt, you're better off without them.
And now excuse me while I shift a cat off the desk and go sit in the sun some more.