They're having a laugh at my expense. Literally.
I'm as tolerant as your average cat-slave -sorry I meant "owner" - but this lot are taking the proverbial. They multiply without warning for one thing, they eat like horses rather than small furry things, and they invite their friends for meals just as and when they feel like it, and somehow have got the idea that the number of meals per day is no longer a limited number with a free unregulated supply of biscuits, and I have today faced the fact that my spending on cat food has doubled in a little over a year (and I don't mean gradually either).
I'm not going to digress (well not much anyway) because I've recently exposed the black cat duplication scam and the disappear/reappear/keep's her on her toes thing. But the fact is that when I returned from the UK in 2016, I had 7 cats, the fewest in years, plus Patch the long term stray. I took in Molly, ok she didn't last long, Stumpy got murdered, but Mischief turned up out of the blue, and Patch introduced not one but three offspring (Sooty, Sweep and Smudge). And I inherited Big Sooty and Ginger when my neighbour died and her house was re-let. So by the time I went away for the summer in 2017, I'd gone up one, down two, up one again, up another two, then another 3 (and not necessarily in that order because I'm having enough trouble counting let alone remember who arrived when - it needs to be written down, why do you think I write these blogs? ) All of this means, I think, that I was sort of responsible for 13 plus Butch who is sort of Patch's husband and seems to be running out of alternative restaurants.
By the time I came back, Patch had produced another three kittens who were enthusiastically munching their way through as much grub as they could manage although one disappeared during the summer. So that made 16 or 15 with or without him. Horace (hungry Horace, who can also eat for England) had joined the gang, so that's 16 or even 17 again or is it only 15 because small Sooty might or might not be missing as well as Wonky Moustache of the next generation.........you're confused? me too. Then apparently there was the occasional marauding and hungry big black tom cat and yet another small black one who might or might not be small Sooty but only if neither Horace nor the other black one (who was not as big as the big tom cat and certainly friendlier) turned out to be he. OMG.
Feeding them requires some dedication so it was easier just to dosh out the food and forget about counting them. A cupboard full of food, I thought, Ha! that's a month's worth in hand....but no, it lasted less than a fortnight. It is impossible to get the buggers to observe a set meal time or even to share one, so whoever complains first gets fed and the rest as they in turn arrive and complain, but that doesn't stop the first sitting coming back for seconds or even thirds. Biscuit crunching goes on at all hours of the day and night, and outside my bedroom at that; time was I could tell who it was by the sound they made crunching biscuits but then I only had 7 plus Patch to distinguish. Now, no chance. I have to face the fact that the numbers have doubled now therefore the cat food bill is, unsurprisingly when you put it that way, double as well. Oh dear. I cast my mind back to the early days of being owned by the Nerja mafia led by Shadow (and the English four) and meeting some friends in Mercadona. Have you noticed how it's almost impossible not to have at least a shifty look in someone's trolley if you meet in a supermarket? Well they laughed as mine was entirely full of cat food, with milk and bread. I'll show them, I thought, and at the last minute bunged in a net of oranges on offer at the checkout. Well things haven't much changed I can tell you, only I rarely make anyone but the checkout operator laugh now.
All this is a bit worrying because in the lean months, I simply don't have twice the cat food budget, and I can't be wishing anything to bring the numbers down given the most distressing way this has happened in the past. Rationing is looming at this rate. And I did find it crossing my mind that generous I may be, some cats may be taking advantage here. The very idea.......as if.........how many of these am I actually, really, supposed to be feeding??
In the normal course of things, this is determined by how many live with you i.e. own you. But when you have an inside proper crew but also a bunch of outside come-in-when-they-feel-like-it cats let alone some who are quite sure they shouldn't even be in if you know about it . Which brings me full circle back to the taking the mickey with the disappearing and reappearing acts. So when after 3 months absence Wonkey Moustache turns up and tucks into his tea like he's never been away, Horace moves in over the summer and seems to be staying ("isn't he one of yours?" - "well he seems to be now", I replied sarcastically), a new kitten turns up which belongs to Patch and it seems she has dumped it on me because she clears off and leaves it here, small sooty is a mystery to us all and Sweep and Smudge seem to go missing for days at a time, all of this makes me wonder - do they live here or not? Or have some of them taken up official residence elsewhere (otherwise where the heck have they been during the days/weeks/months they have been missing and in some cases where were they BEFORE they turned up in the first place)
This very morning I did a double take. Something very small and black was under my van, something an identical size to the feisty little back and white beastie christened Itty Bitty (Kitty). Further investigation caused it to tank off UP the track at speed, away from any direction known to Patch and her lot, so I suppose it's not hers. But neither was Mischief when he turned up at a similar age. Alone, unsupervised. I've been having a few words with Patch about her parenting, because whether he followed her or she brought Itty Bitty, he started off under the sideboard and has progressed to strutting about outside and making full use of the chairs and toys (and his elder bro Cheeky and sister Sparky) but he stays here, getting close to his mum when she visits, if she lets him, otherwise he's fine when she clears off.
Imagine then, this evening, she finishes her tea, trills instead of just clearing off and starts off down the track to wherever she goes. Summoned by her trilling, ranked around and behind her, Itty Bitty. And Wonkey Moustache making one of his irregular forages for food but trotting off like a good 'un after his mum. Accompanied by Cheeky and Sparky who were both disowned once Itty Bitty was here. WTF is all that about? Normally she can't get away from them fast enough; have I done something wrong and she's calling them away? Has Wonkey been living secretly nearby and now she's taking Itty to join him? I can't help wavering between the anxious guardian and the indignant host: is this how to treat the person on who you impose your offspring when it suits you and when they are hungry only to take them off with you when THAT suits you, Patch? Are they coming back, will Itty survive outside this safe space??? Who DOES actually live here and ought to be on my food tab?
And a small slightly unworthy thought sneaks in unbidden, will this mean I can buy less cat food?