Tell Them How You Feel

I'm ashamed to say I can't remember which book and who wrote it,  but it is 2 years since I read it and wrote this. Whoever you are, and I have a shortlist of who it is likely to be, thankyou for another book which spoke to me, I wish I could write like you. 

“All you have is right now. So don’t ever put off telling someone how you feel about them, don’t assume that they know, because they might not and it might be too late”
 

Thus speaks the suddenly cowed super-achieving, invincible character in the book I am reading, when she faces a problem she can’t solve after a lifetime of taking no crap and admitting no defeat. Her husband has cancer and she may lose him and suddenly she sees him for the one thing which makes life worthwhile rather than all the things she thought were important. 

This resonates with most of us, or it should do if we have ever faced the loss of someone we thought would always be there or whose value we had failed to compute before it was too late.

There is not always another day to put things off until, a better time or place. Living for the moment is often advocated for one’s own benefit. This angle concerns appreciating others by the moment and not taking them for granted. It also suggests that by declaring honest feelings towards someone else it will be better for all concerned. 

Analyse why we want to tell them in the first place and what it does if we do. A great idea for people who will feel comforted or more secure by hearing it, who will respond and reciprocate. The benefit is for the recipient and the reward for the giver is their response. It consolidates and validates and strengthens such relationships. 

But what of people who take the chance of telling someone how they feel to see what happens if they do? Is there a need to declare your feelings irrespective of the need of the hearer to know? And worse, what if you do bare your soul and they don’t respond or reciprocate? 

To express feelings rather than stifle them is liberating for the one feeling and containing them. But it presumes that the one to whom the declaration is made will respond and reciprocate, and this is the fundamental flaw – that this is not a given outcome and in fact the person being told how much they mean may be actually horrified, dismayed, repelled or just plain indifferent. They may be the centre of your universe, but they not want you at their heart of theirs.